Con....ver.....sa.....tion.

I have this friend.

I think the world of her. (Truthfully, I have a little crush on her. Which she knows about.)

We converse through sporadic text messages and emails.

The few phone conversations that we've had, weren't graceful exchanges of ideas and opinions. Which is weird, because we're both eloquent people who deftly construct all manners of interesting word usements. On the phone, though, we're stilted and awkward and there are long stretches of silence.

I blame my crush on her. It cripples my vocabulary. Limits me to something like 20 different words to work with. "Me. Like. You. Sex. Kissing. Soft. Yes. Beautiful. Wonderful. Smart. Up. Down. Before. After. You. Me. Us. All. No. Never. Always. Ding-dong..." And a few select other terms. Try saying anything interesting or engaging with THOSE few words. "You like me Ding-Dong?"

Even more painfully awkward is how each phone conversation ends. There's a big, long pause, we've said all of the business things that we need to say about getting together or something and I panic and nearly SCREAM out at her, "WELL, OKAY! I'M GOING TO GO NOW! OKAY, BYE!" And she says, "Okay, bye." And then we hang up and she thinks, "Why do I bother to call that guy?" and I think, "Good one, dummy. You fucked up the dismount, yet again!"

So, phone conversations have pretty much ended, months ago.

Now, we email.

Sort of.

Because of my boring-ass job, I am online ALL DAY LONG. If you send me an email or respond to this blog, odds are very good that you'll get a response in 20 minutes or less. Usually, less.

So, something will come up and I'll email this girl to invite her to a movie screening. Or to just check in, ask how she's doing. (Because A LOT can happen in two weeks, right?) I'll compose a very short, very pleasant, very charming email and then send it off to her, via the Interwebz.

A Day passes and I get no response from her.

Two or three days pass and I get no response from her.

A week passes and I get no response from her. (I give up on getting a response and move on with my life, vowing NEVER to get so hung up on a girl again.)

Life moves on. The sun continues to rise and set. Flowers blossom. Bees buzz. The circle of life continues it's unending revolution.

WHAM! Two weeks after I sent off my first, pleasant, charming, email, I get a response apologizing for the absence (work, life, stuff all seem to have come up! What's a girl to do?) and then I get the playful, pleasant responses to my pleasant, charming comments and then an obligatory question or two. Which I Immediately answer and send off the response, less than 20 minutes from when she wrote me. (Because of my boring-ass job, remember?)

Two weeks later, I get a response to that email.

And in such a way, am I currently engaged in the world's longest, protracted email flirtation.

Literally, WEEKS go by between reception of conversation, response and then the response to my response. In the time that it takes her to answer one of my emails, I might have a new job, lost a limb, got a new pet, lost an old pet, learned a new musical instrument, seen a dozen movies or written the next Great American novel.

One thing is for certain, I can't for the life of me, remember what I was flirting with her about, two weeks ago. I have to scroll down, view the last entry to her and try to build on top of that. A shaky prospect, at that.

I think that if I drop the veneer of civility here and blatantly say what I think is going on, I would have to confess that I honestly don't think that this girl is all that into me.
I think that the only reason that I am getting ANY response at all, is because she feels guilty for not responding promptly, knowing that I have a bit of a crush on her and that it's cruel to ignore the people who fancy you. So, my emails are read quickly and then filed away as A Thing To Be Dealt With Later. And then, sometime much later, when she's handling much more important things, she sees the email from me and thinks, "Ah well. I better write him back. He'll be expecting it." And that's why I get any response at all.

I think I'll just let this thing die out on it's own after her next response.

(If there is one.)

I'll just quietly enjoy whatever charming thing that she has to say and enjoy the brief bit of attention that she flattered me with and then close the email, delete it and move onto more engaging interactions with other human beings. People who work at a slightly more timely pace.

Our prolonged con...ver...sa...tion will die a quiet, merciful death.

Euthanasia of the Conversatia.

Waiting patiently for a response,
Mr.B